I picked up a hitchhiker on Warlock Mountain. It was sunset, and he was standing in the dust at the side of the road in a dirty suit that looked oddly old fashioned, like from the 30’s, and wore a wide-brimmed hat that covered his eyes. There were no other cars on the road so I pulled over and he let himself in the passenger door.

I asked where he was headed he didn’t say a word, but lifted one boney finger and pointed straight ahead. We drove on and on, and when I tried to make small talk he pulled his hat down farther over his face and seemed to sleep. Eventually I gave up and just scanned the AM radio dial.

Suddenly he sat bolt upright and said “STOP THE CAR.” I pulled over next to an empty field. He went to open his door, but it wouldn’t budge. Confused, he tried it again, and again, becoming more and more frantic. He could not get the door open because it was locked. I had put the child lock on. He began to thrash, his repeated movements taking on an inhuman speed. It was like watching a tape loop on fast forward, and he began to emit a pitiful high-pitched whine. It’s then that I pulled the Ghost Bottle out from under my seat, opened it up, and slurped him inside.

That’s how you get the Phantom Hitchhiker badge.

Ok here's another head-scratcher from the written test:

13. It is a dark and moonless night, and you're parked on "Lover's Lane," listening to music with that special someone. Suddenly there's an announcement on the radio that a dangerous serial killer has escaped from the nearby Hospital for the Criminally Insane, and that the killer has metal hooks for hands. You think nothing of it and return home. The next morning, however, you find a hook attached to the bumper of your car.

Do you:

a) Drop it in a mailbox addressed to "Dangerous Serial Killer, Hospital for the Criminally Insane."

b) Return it to your date, who also has a hook and is frequently misplacing it.

c) Add it to your collection.

Can’t the administration do anything to put a stop to the hot-rodders and gang members tearing up the campus every night? It all started as soon as that Haunted Ed brought his satanic driver education class to school. Now you can’t go walking after dark without running into those goons and wraiths, pulling donuts on the lawns and terrorizing kids on their way to the library or pool. They think they’re so tough in their muscle cars and jean jackets with the cut off sleeves. And their burning skull faces.

I’ve had enough! If the administration won’t do anything then I say we take to the streets and put an end to it ourselves! Tonight! Who’s with me??!

HISSSS! HAAAAAAAK! HACK! hack! *cough*

Ahem, excuse me. All this fire and brimstone! And no skin. Makes the throat dry.

On behalf of the Wraiths of Terror demonic motor club, I’d like to announce the terms for the release of @Belinda Blip:

1. @Haunted Ed will open the Gates of Perdition and allow the Wraiths of Terror to pass through.

2. Free oil changes forever at LuciferLube.

3. One case of Fisherman’s Friend medicated throat lozenges.

As soon as we return through the gate, @Belinda Blip will be returned immediately, because she’s really annoying.

I’m kind of late, but is Haunted Drivers’ Ed still available?? I need to be able to drive ASAP so I can get that glowing matter that is visible miles away on the abandoned Toys R Us.

Yeah we've had some spots open up in Haunted Driver's Ed, due to those troublesome Wraiths of Terror scaring everybody off! Don't pay them no mind, @Sol, because they're only a manifestation of the terror inside you.

I'm roundin' up a group of my top students--the Solomon's Keys I call 'em--to help put an end to that ghostly gang. You're welcome to come along, or sign up for a any of our classes @Sol--from our introductory Lil' Spookies right up to Defensive Demon Driving III.

Look for the tent with the magic circle around it in the parking lot in front of the library. And watch out for those Wraiths of Terror when you're crossing the street!

Haunted Ed let me take the Fantasm out to help round up the Wraiths of Terror. They might talk tough, but they become as bound as any demons with the right incentives. The salt jets on the Kuro Fantasm lay a solid line of ritual-magick grade salt at speeds of up to 100 kph. You've got to be careful on the turns, but with those six wide tires you've got a lot of traction, and with the tight corners on campus I was able to lay a solid perimeter.

The rest of Ed's Solomon's Keys took their positions around the circle--each one with a sigil painted on the hood. That got the Wraiths bottled up tight, but there's still the matter of @Belinda Blip, and where to send this bunch of thugs.

HISSSSSSSS! HAAAAAAAK ACK! ACk! hack!

Ahhhhrrmmmmmmph. HACK HACK HACK

OK!!! Enough is enough! Not even the Wraiths of Terror should endure this level of torture. The sulfur and brimstone we give off naturally is fine if there's plenty of ventilation, but there's literally NO cross breeze inside this horrid seal. Seriously, the air quality is at least in the purple, and if we had a proper inspector come from the Diabolical Standards Administration I will bet you they would find severe code violations in @Haunted Ed's demon trap.

That said, we are willing to give up our requests for the free oil changes forever at LuciferLube and the lozenges. But we still demand escape through the Gates of Perdition. Until that time, we will continue to hold on to @Belinda Blip, who seems unaffected by the air quality because she won't stop talking!!! Worse yet, she wants to become a member! Ugh. And the rest of the gang is starting to get sweet on her.

A big thanks (and sponsored product placement) to Archimedes' Vacuum Extraction, LLC, for removing the Wraiths of Terror from within their magickal encasement. There wasn't a chance in hell of me releasing those demons through the Gates of Perdition, or any other realm that honors the Haunted Driver's Ed provisional learners permit or 24/7/666 Haunted Ed Roadside Assistance Pledge. I'm a businessman and my clients always come first!

Archimedes has loaded the bottles onto the Diamond Flatbed Vehicle, and we'll be heading off for a vacation in the Badlands, where I feel we can get a good deal on these bottled hooligans. Congratulations to all the students who completed the course, and remember to keep your third eye peeled and your foot on the pedal!

13. It is a dark and moonless night, and you're parked on "Lover's Lane," listening to music with that special someone. Suddenly there's an announcement on the radio that a dangerous serial killer has escaped from the nearby Hospital for the Criminally Insane, and that the killer has metal hooks for hands. You think nothing of it and return home. The next morning, however, you find a hook attached to the bumper of your car.

Do you:

a) Drop it in a mailbox addressed to "Dangerous Serial Killer, Hospital for the Criminally Insane."

b) Return it to your date, who also has a hook and is frequently misplacing it.

c) Add it to your collection.

The answer is A.