I put an ice cube in a Christmas tree and it melted. Now I have ooey-gooey melted Christmas tree all over the floor, with melted ornaments and tinsel. It's like psychedelic cup cake frosting.

And I am a Candy Specialist.

My secrets are making friends, and they won't tell me who. They're like big black hairy lamprey eels, swimming around the burlap sack I keep them in, blind, nuzzling each other and snorting like horses. Who are they making friends with? It would be against the secret code to tell me.