I am afraid of that something "big" is going to "go down" in the woods about the strange effects around the science building. I am afraid of it because that is what Larry Moon, Skunk Detective, told me when I saw him in the alley by the dumpster. He has been doing lots of undercover work all winter long and I can tell it is taking a toll on that old skunk. "You are not a kit anymore you know!" is what I told him because I discovered that is what you call a young skunk. But Larry Moon, Skunk Detective, says he has no choice because he is about Justice. I just hope that old skunk doesn't get in over his head! And then he told me he's old enough to look after himself. He can be a salty skunk sometimes.

Larry Moon, Skunk Detective, has had a tough fall. He wouldn't admit it, being a stubborn skunk, but you can tell about it because of his fur. It's been all rough and tumble. Even though he's a bachelor skunk you can still tell he's been "mixing it up" because his beard and ear hairs have been all cattywumpus. And the bruises. He says I shouldn't get involved but he gave me a report anyways. Would you like to read it here it is.

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From the desk of:
Larry Moon
Skunk Detective

Case #973010
Kung Fu Fighting

The Stimulus Committee, a criminal association of the most dangerous and insane creatures of the forest, got the woodland folk hooked on the toxic run off from the Science Labs at Psyhigh. Porcupines were floating, squirrels were glowing, and tree shews were tap dancing, all hopped up on the mytho-chemical moonshine coming from the labs. But then it stopped flowing, and the woodland folk needed more.

Two other criminal gangs were involved: the Shrimp Chimps, an international cartel of escaped zoo primates from southeast asia, and the Chloroform Kids, a local bunch of human drug freaks and yahoos. Between them, they got control of the runoff from the science labs, leaving the woodland folk dry and no longer high.

Captain Hoof, chief enforcer for the Stimulus Committee, has been ruling over the woodland folk and parceling out the committee's dwindling stash to keep the true believers in line, knocking down the rest with a firm back kick. I've gotten into more than one spat with him and his minions. His boss, the Corn Fairy, stays in the shadows.

Without more of the drug, the hold of the Stimulus Committee is eventually going to crumble. Which is why they set up an alliance of terror with the Chloroform Kids. Every night there's more roadkill, as the Chloroform Kids race down the forest roads in their hot rods, chasing down good woodland folk and enforcing order for the Stimulus Committee.

At the heart of it, there's something more than just addiction to toxic run off. What's at the core of all this evil? Through my research, I've discovered multiple locations in the woods where signals are broadcast that turn humans into mindless, hate-driven monsters. I tipped off a student (who will remain anonymous for their safety) to the source of the trouble. I can only hope she follows the clues. Because there's only so much a skunk can do, even in a second hand suit.

You might think that Larry Moon, Skunk Detective, has had a hazy lazy summer but you would be wrong to think that. Even when he is napping in his office or sipping iced Pineapple Weed tea on his stoop he is always working hard gathering INFORMATION. He has many woodland informants who are his eyes and ears and he is finding out a lot about the problem of the Science Building and the Strange Effects. Would you like to know what he discovered so far here it is.

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From the desk of:
Larry Moon
Skunk Detective

Case #973010
Unnatural Foods

Humans create all kinds of problems. Mostly for themselves, but when their problems end up oozing into the woods, then it's my problem. I'm Larry Moon, Skunk Detective.

It started out as an illegal dumping case. Some crackpot in the science lab at the school was dumping highly reactive agents into the storm drain, causing havoc in the local ecosystem.

As I looked deeper into the problem, it quickly became clear that we had a whole Backcountry Drug War on our hands. The mad scientist in the lab was creating experimental psycho-cosmetics, strictly small-time, and pouring his toxic waste down the drain. But when the local forest cartel caught wind of it, they smelled business. They call themselves the Stimulus Committee, made up of low-life dropouts from all the ranks of the woodland folk--maladjusted deer, prickly porcupine, demented squirrels, jerky scrub jays, all headed up by someone they refer to as the Corn Fairy.

The Stimulus Committee started bottling up the runoff and distributing it up and down the forest food network. And through their webcast: The Forest Food Network. They reached all levels of the eco-web--from the small time watering holes in the hills to the Elderly Raccoon Lodge in the city.

At first the woodland folk didn't see any harm in it, but once they began to grow, or glow, or float through the forest they found they had a taste for this psycho-cosmetic run-off. Then found out they had a habit.

That was trouble enough, but then an out of town cartel caught wind of it. They call themselves the Shrimp Chimps. Not forest folk at all, but an international group, looking to expand their reach into the woods and take control of the action. And at the center of it is the source--the Science Lab.

I'd advise all the forest creatures to keep their heads down and stay out of the crossfire till this gets sorted out.

I was checking in with Larry Moon, Skunk Detective, because I like that skunk. When I bring him eggs and cheeses for his sandwiches it is not just because I am looking out for him. It is because I enjoy his company.

But sometimes I think that skunk needs help and he is too proud and grumpy to ask for it! Like today when I went to his office to visit I noticed that his tail was very large and I asked "Why is your tail so large and bushy Mr. Moon? Did you have a fright?" and he said no that it is what you call a work-related injury. I do not want my favorite skunk detective to have any injuries ever but he said that it would not threaten his life and that his tail was involved in research about the problem of the strange effects they are having from the science building.

Then he got very excited and made me promise not to drink any water from the drinking fountains at the science building and I said that is OK I do not trust the drinking fountains anyway because they are crusty.

I did not know about the animals and the strange effects they are having from the science building! But I did not think it was good for the animals because it might not be natural. And if it is in the food chain of the animals isn't it inside us too even if we don't eat the animals? Or rabbit eggs?

This sounded like a serious problem so I told it to Larry Moon, Skunk Detective. I visit him in his cozy cozy nest sometimes to make sure that skunk is taking care of himself. Because he is a live alone skunk. If he has a cold or a flu then who is going to take care of him? He tells me he can take care of himself. And that he already knew about the strange effects from the science building. The Moles were having their own strange problems and they asked him to "look into it" and he found out about it. Would you like to read it here it is:

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From the desk of:
Larry Moon
Skunk Detective

Case #973004
Big Hairy Moles

There's nothing Moles like better to eat than worms. So when it gets rainy and the ground starts to warm up they like to get up under the grasses in the lawns and eat and eat and eat. Most Moles are plump by design, so they rarely comment on each other's weight.

But now they had a public safety problem. Moles were blowing up so big they were getting stuck in the tunnels. And attempts to dig around them were weakening structure of the entire tunnel system.

"Oh yeah, we'll have a sinkhole here for sure if we dig any more. We can't risk it, Mr. Moon."

It was clear it must have been something they ate. Worms. And this particular yard was outside the science building. After the mutation outbreak and subsequent school takeover back in the 1990's, the school was one of the first of its size to move to all organic lawn care products. Still, I had a little check-in with my colleague @Janitor Pete.

"No, no change in the mix, Larry. I've got it all here in the shed if you want to take a look."

Which meant whatever was getting into those worms was unofficial. And probably illegal.

It was going to mean some late night stakeouts. It was time to boil some eggs.

It was such a beautiful day outside do you know what I did? That's right I went outside and gathered Good Fortune. Just like we used to do in Children's Circle! And then I saw this thread and it was a mighty big coincidence don't you think?

In Children's Circle we decorated baskets and took them with us to gather Good Fortune when it was ripe. Good Fortune has its own seasons it is not just spring or winter it has its own wind and its own schedule. Which is why you need to be ready for it whenever it drops its hat. That is what the Grandmothers taught us at Children's Circle. They taught us to look under rocks and under porches and in mail boxes and on the tops of telephone poles because it can be in unlikely places.

We made our baskets with strips of construction paper and glue and ribbon and they were very beautiful but not very strong and had big holes in them too but it does not matter if you are gathering Good Fortune because Good Fortune is big and light like dandelion parachutes if they were as big as chickens. And you don't even really need to put it in the basket because it sticks to you like pollen in fact maybe we are just the bees that help Good Fortune move around where it needs to go.

So now my pockets and my hair are all fuzzy with Good Fortune and my locker is stuffed full would you like to share it with me here it is.

And so for the rest of summer I picked up popsicle sticks.

I picked up popsicle sticks around the stinky garbages at school and at the bus stop on the road and under the bleachers and on the trails and down by the river a lot. After awhile I started picking up the other litter too because once you start looking for one kind of litter then you start seeing all the other kinds of litter and you feel bad if you don't pick that up also and so that is what I did.

But I didn't mind and I kept the popsicle sticks in one bag and the other litter in another bag and then I threw the other litter away in a dumpster and took the popsicle sticks home and separated the sticks with riddles like "What kind of dog has no tail?" and "What kind of train carries gum?" into one pile and the ones with jokes like "What quenches the unceasing hunger?" "When does the grain maiden rise grey with the moon?" or written in secret alphabets into another pile.

From picking up litter along the river I met the beavers. At first they slapped their tails in the water and swam and hid and looked at me from behind their sticks. But after they saw me picking up litter for so many days in the hot hot heat do you know what they did they spoke to me.

"Thank you for picking up the litter" is what they said to me.

I said it was no problem and went on picking up litter and they were watching me and one of the beavers walked over to me and asked what I did with the popsicle sticks which I thought was an interesting question for him to ask me. So I told him and do you know what he said the beavers were very interested in those sticks too!

He told me that the beavers have a Lodge. And I said yes I know we learned about it in school but he said No! that was not the true lodge. He said that in their Lodge they have a special room where they have a special dark wooden cabinet that is huge that the ancient beavers made. And in that cabinet that is where they keep all of those popsicle sticks that they can find!

He said they did not know what the riddles mean either. But they kept them in there, and on special days a beaver would wear a special hat and open the cabinet and read all of the riddles. And then they would all go build a dam for a school of blind beaver children or some other good deed.

I thought that sounded very nice. Even if they didn't understand the riddles.

So I gave all my popsicle sticks the the beavers. I am kind of over the popsicle sticks and their odd riddles now. I think it is because now it is not hot and I no longer crave popsicles.

I am going to stick to food without words on it for awhile.

I was tired of those goats's riddles. I wanted to learn more about the riddles on the sticks but not to be asked so many riddles all the time! The goats's riddles were mostly very easy but I do not really love riddles so much. Maybe I want to know more about who makes the sticks is what I really want. And not be so frustrated.

But I do not know anyone in the popsicle industry. Maybe it would be time to reach out to alumni like the school likes to say but I am uncomfortable asking like that. So it was hot and I went to the river.

There were only some of the horse people down at the river and they were in their own herd so I hid and found a little hollow so I could be cool in the shade. And do you know what I saw right away it was the crawdads, and they were carrying popsicle sticks! I thought maybe the horse people were eating popsicles and then littering. But the crawdads were carrying the sticks in their little claws all in a line going underneath a big rock.

"What are you doing with all of those popsicle sticks, crawdads?" is what I asked.

Just then I saw the biggest crawdad I have ever seen.

"I am the Herald of the Crawfish," is what it said.

I told the Herald of the Crawfish about my curiosity, and the whole story about the popsicle stick fire and riddles I did not understand and the goats and why did the crawdads want the sticks so much too were they making a popsicle fire underwater.

The Herald of the Crawfish moved its antennas and eyes and whiskers a lot and then it said to me "Climb on my back, little girl" so do you know what that is what I did.

I did not know that backwards is the way that crawdads swim! And so I was sitting backwards too, but there were lots of bubbles and swishing and the river bottom became very huge and the Herald of the Crawfish was only as big as me and we were in the Great Hall of the Crawfish and all of the crawdads were only as big as me also.

I was very surprised to see that all the crawdads were bringing the sticks to a big tough crawdad and that crawdad was snip click snipping them into pieces. I was also very surprised that I was breathing underwater.

The Herald of the Crawfish told me that they were clipping and snipping all of the popsicle sticks with riddles into smaller and smaller pieces, till there was nothing left but underwater sawdust.

"We do not like those riddles," is what the Herald of the Crawfish said.

Then he took me back to the riverside.

I did not know that goats dance so much under a full moon!

At night when it was cool I walked in the dirt-road alleys behind the houses in the town and went to the backyard with all the goats. Sometimes when I walk I take this route and I visit the goats and they look at me with their golden eyes and their funny rectangle pupils and do not say a thing but they look like I just caught them doing something but they suddenly stopped.

But under the Capricorn moon they did not stop! They were dancing in the dirt of the yard and climbing up and dancing on the roofs of their little houses. They stood on their hind legs and waved their front legs and threw back their heads and horns and bleated in the moonlight. There were old goats and billy goats and kid goats and nanny goats.

"Hello goats what do you know about riddles?" is what I asked them.

"Why doesn't Saturn take a baa-aaa-aaath?" said the goats.

"What ru-uu-uns but never wearies?" said the goats.

"What kind of baa-aaaaank needs no money?" said the goats.

The goats thought this was very funny and suddenly they broke into a big song and dance routine that seemed very choreographed and went on for a very long time and somehow I climbed over the fence and was dancing with them! I can almost remember the song but not quite maybe it was like "Step in Time" from Mary Poppins.

It was very late when it was done and I was very dusty and smelled like goats. But before I left one old goat came and whispered in my ear:

"Why is it so easy to weigh fish?"

Then he laughed and bleated and frolicked away.

I walked through the woods to visit Larry Moon, Skunk Detective, to ask him about the strange riddles on the popsicle sticks. It is very hot even in the woods and Larry Moon was in his office under the rock napping in the shade. He is not so hungry in the summer heat but he enjoyed the fresh squeezed lemonade I brought for him in my picnic basket.

I told Larry Moon about my question and showed him the popsicle sticks and their riddles like "Who is the beautiful maiden without eyes?" and "When does the bee wear the golden crown?" and the other sticks with the riddles written in Etruscan I think.

"Larry Moon what are these riddles?" is what I asked him.

Larry Moon said that this was not a detective problem but a research problem but he would help me find the answers and the ones with the answers were the goats. He said the goats knew the most about these kind of things since they have been paying attention the longest and did not have an "agenda." I did not know what Larry Moon meant by that but sometimes he is a very inscrutable skunk!

He also said that this was a good time to speak to the goats because it was a full moon in Capricorn which is a goat with a fish's tail isn't that funny? So he thought the old goats will be out and about.