Greetings to my adoring fan base! Did you miss me? Of course you missed me! Life is just so utterly bland without the constant projects and manipulations of Mattie Darling!

What? You want to hear about Forever Diner? Oh. Well... I guess it was a major battle, with possession and emotions and explosions and the ENTIRE DESTRUCTION OF A REALITY... but I'm not the one to tell that story. Why? Because it would be boring, silly! *sound of Ava chastising Mattie* Shut up Ava! They don't need to know that I was K.O.ed for most of the encounter! I need to protect my street cred! Besides, Eralonia and Nobody are much better writers. Hmph.

I've been spending too much time neglecting my beloved organization/business "Matching by Mattie". Honestly, do you know how many happy couples I've created this month? FIVE! Usually I have about eight by the end of the month! I need to get working if I'm to meet my quota. Sure, I help create plenty of couples, but it is, like, soooo hard to make a HAPPY couple! It requires, like, actual thought and evaluation of people's personalities. Setting my pet Whisperfly loose in the cafeteria to spread random feelings of allure is much more fun. There's nothing more entertaining than emotional carnage. Except, like, shopping of course!

Before I sign off, I just wanted to say bye to my favorite BFF *Ava is heard grumbling* Um, I mean /second/ favorite BFF (happy Ava, my wonderful guardian angel? Yes? Good, then you can stop interrupting my posts!). @*Atlantica*, I'll miss you girl! I hope we have some classes together this fall so we can pass notes about cute boys. And @Pacifica, I hope your insanity clears up. I've been diagnosed with a chronic case of insanity, so I can really emphasize. Rest up, and come back ready to hook up with that Donny boy you like!!!

That's all for today Psyhigh. One of these days I'll learn to make shorter posts. Then again, I really like the sound of my own voice.

With love,

-Mattie

No time for normal post. No time to boast. Actually, I do have time for that. Look upon my fabulous-ness Psyhigh!!! Okay, back on topic. Morris's cat is really grumpy and wants to BURN OFF MY FACE using Nobody's baby monster. And we got captured. And we don't know where @Nobody is. Like, this is totally not going to plan. *pouty face*

The cats and the baby monster want to just grab Nobody and run. But come on everybody, we know that's not going to work! Like, Fortuna will just keep coming back! And just keep trying to kidnap Morris's cat! And also, you know, try to annihilate us all or something. Just foiling her plots won't save us.

Luckily for us all, I can and will SAVE THE DAY! Yes, I, Mattie Darling, know how to defeat Fortuna! Sure, over the decades she's become an immortal-ish, time traveling, insane, and omnipotent being. But she's still human. And she's still my Great-Aunt Fortuna. Before I followed the cats (who I am totally sure hate me by this point) I called my daddy. I asked him if he remembered any stories about his Auntie Fortuna. Among the stories was a story about allergies. The family allergy. I have it, Daddy has it, my grandma had it, and Fortuna (probably) has it! The herb is in my extremely fashionable purse right now. If I can throw this stuff at my beloved Great-Aunt Fortuna, she'll be paralyzed within the hour! That will it make super easy to find a way to imprison her! Only problem is... I'm little bit allergic too... and it's starting to affect me. But I shall prevail! For I am... MATTIE! *strikes glamorous pose*

Hey, I think I see Nobody! @Nobody! Over here! Is my shirt okay?!?
~Mattie you idiot! Don't give away our position! Mommy will--~
[Rest of transmission lost]

Hello to my >9,000 fans! It's a hot hot day out... but not as hot as me! *dramatic hair flip* At least today isn't as bad as when the Demonic Powers Administration/Fortuna was burning up the school, right? Positivity people, it is worth it!

Speaking of my least favorite Great-Aunt, apparently my totally wonderful roommate Nobody has been brought to Forever Diner. Do you understand the gratitude of this situation? This is a disaster! A tragedy! Nobody has my FAVORITE SHIRT ON! OMG, I, like, cannot live without that shirt. So I'm closing "Matching by Mattie" early today (I've made so much money off the freshmen, I won't even lose money doing this) and following the fuzzy purple yarn to save my favorite shirt! Oh... and probably also Nobody. That's important too. @Nobody, if you get ketchup on that shirt I am going to, like, FREAK out! If I move fast enough, I can probably catch up to Morris's cat, Nobody's cat, and Nobody's cat's baby monster. They would never let me join their mission -- I get the feeling that they don't like me, but that's impossible! I'm amazing! -- so I'm going to have to be sneaky and jump through whatever dusty portal leads to Forever Diner after the cats and monster do. Luckily, I'm a master at stalking!

LOVE TIP #4:

When stalking somebody, wear appropriate clothing. Avoid heels and jangly jewelry, no matter how fabulous they make you look. Perfume can also be a downfall, as people seem very sensitive to large amounts of it. Corduroy is a big N-O, as it is noooiiiiiissssssyyyyy! Wear silent clothing... like yoga pants! Believe it or not, you can look cute and covert at the same time. Most importantly, pull out your opera glasses and camouflage cloak. That will make it easier for you to see and harder for your victim-- um, I mean "target" --to see you.

I always keep my camouflage in the closet! ...Which I threw out after Fortuna possessed me and it gave everybody claustrophobia. OMG, Great-Aunts ruin everything. Absolutely no one likes old people for that specific reason! Well, I don't have time to dally around here, I've got cats to stalk and shirts to save. Guess I'll have to go without my camouflage cloak. Don't worry about me everybody, I'll be safe. I've got PLENTY of anti-possession makeup on. And I'll bring extra in case anybody needs an emergency makeover. Buh-bye! Wish me luck, and remember to stay away from the Org Horns my beautiful people! *blows a kiss* (hmm... I wonder if Fortuna is the cause of that catastrophe too....)

With love,

-Mattie

Greetings to the sane, insane, and in space students of Psyhigh! Your universally respected and natural leader Mattie Darling is here yet again to clue you in to the intricate web known as love and give you a peek into the daily life of the most fabulous girl ever born!

My shoulder still hurts from breaking into @Scilph's dorm yesterday with @*Atlantica*, but it was like, totally worth it. You should've seen the look on their faces! OMG, I got the best photos of Scilph and Morris sitting together on the couch! They didn't even notice my camera when we busted in. I can't wait to post these pics on my main website MatchingByMattie.com, I'm making a whole gallery of satisfied costumers. Nobody will sit still for these shots, so I just have to take (as my lovely friend Atlantica puts it) "surprise lovebird photos".

Speaking of Atlantica, I've convinced Pacifica to allow me to "babysit" Attie for the weekend. The poor robot needed a break and I, like, totally don't mind. She has awesome fashion taste, and she bakes a gazillion cookies when she gets bored. Best "bestie" I've ever had! *sarcastic comment from Ava* Fine, fine, I guess you're a good friend too Ava. Just don't like, let that go to your head. Remember LOVE TIP #35! The downfall of most relationships is vanity! *accusing comment* I'm not always the vain one Ava! Once I dated that supermodel Gustav! He was more self-absorbed than I was! It was rather humbling really.... Now, as I was saying before Ava RUDELY interrupted me, @Pacifica owes me a favor. Keeping Atlantica in one room is, like, super hard. So when you come back from your date Paci, you have to give me ALL the details about your new boyfriend! ALL OF THEM. And don't try and avoid me like you did to Morris, I will hunt you down like I hunt my satisfied costumers!

*pamphlet is slid under dorm room's dorm*

What's this? OMG, there's another epidemic in Psyhigh. What? TWO sicknesses? Ugggghhhhh. Let's see here... "Please refrain from reading the book 'The Psych of Mind and Other Realms Unexplored, by Helga Von Lutz'. Bring all copies of the book to the Self Aware Library immediately. Stay away from students spewing gibberish, as it is contagious...." "The Org Horn parasite is also spreading. Please stay in your dorm rooms until proper treatment for these is found. Also highly contagious, and rather chatty." Great. And I was planning on a romantic evening with my boyfriend tomorrow! *sigh* I, like, hope @Nobody can find her way back to our dorm. Now is like the worst possible time to get lost. And if she shows up with a contagious horn on her head... sorry roommate, but my complexion is not worth risking!!!

The evening is young my friends! What are you doing staring at your electronics?!? You heard me! It's time to look up, get out, and find somebody cute to dance the night away with! Friday night; the best night to find that special someone.

The freshmen are still eating up my new student packages. Except the autographed photos for some reason. Sales on the WHAT THE HECKA have also been... slow ...but once I get them to stop eating people I'm positive that they will be the second hottest thing on campus! Well... third hottest thing. My roommate @Nobody's new pet Claudette is probably the second hottest. That little monster has burned through almost all of Nobody's wardrobe and 2/8 of my magical expansive hike-through closet! Luckily for the both of us, I have plenty of surplus clothes. Even if they are, like, so last month, we won't run out of things to wear. Though Nobody doesn't seem to like my high heels. Or my sweetheart neckline sweaters. Or my large sparkling necklaces. But until Claudette stops setting things on fire, we're stuck with the has-beens of the fashion fad world. We are so totally lucky that the fashion police are off duty for the What Is The New Black? conference!

Now, it's time for everybody's FAVORITE part of the day:

LOVE TIP #120000433

When you're crush gets a girlfriend/boyfriend/otherfriend and that girlfriend/boyfriend/otherfriend is NOT you, don't be jealous. Or bitter. It doesn't help anybody! Plus, it can cause your crush to dislike being around you. For some reason, guys especially hate girls that glare at them intensely and suddenly start screaming at them incoherently. Take it from someone who has had personal experience. However, it is alright to feel sad. Feel free to let some tears fall, it's good to let it out. Especially in public. Because any cute guys who have been crushing on you will come running to your aid immediately! Boyfriend problem solved! Am I right @Pacifica? ;D

With love,

-Mattie

Returning to the central hub of Psyhigh online, it is me! Mattie Darling! Beloved and benevolent beauty of the best Psychic High School this half of the universe!

My new "Matching by Mattie" and Welcoming Committee co-op has fulfilled all my goals! Business is booming, and all of these little freshmen putting their info into the "Matching by Mattie" database is going to make life so much easier for me. When a costumer comes in and says, "Can you help me get a boyfriend?" all I have to do is type in a few key words and BOOM! At least five potential significant others! It's fool proof! *smiles vainly*
*voice changes to dead pan* Oh, and, um, I feel so good helping other people. It really warms me up inside to do nice things for others. Yay charity.

I'm so proud of these inventions I made. The WHAT THE HECKâ„¢ pocket identifier was really inspired, my new technologically gifted boyfriend Nate helped me get into the school's files and the rest was easy. (Thanks Natey! Can't wait for our date!) I've been using it myself a whole lot, and I've avoided about five messy situations that way! I should really release this onto the app store or something for all Psychics. Think of all the profits! Of course, my close, close, close friends will get a free prototype! That is... if they agree to beta test it. It isn't perfect yet is the thing, sooooo... I'll leave one outside your dorm, and you tell me how and why it starts trying to eat you! This is a sweet deal guys, don't pass it up. And it's super easy to make it stop eating you. Just slap it and scream a lot! Works like a charm!

I'd love to stick around and talk to everyone about more of our AMAZING AND LIFE CHANGING PRODUCTS, I have to deal with a large group of freshies who just wandered in. They look especially clueless... poor @Walls! I can't imagine working with all these kids for FREE. You're a saint Wally. I'd go tell you in person, but my Whisperfly starts hissing when I get near Claude's egg of doom. I guess she doesn't like hatching kittens. *shrug* I'm sure @Nobody can handle it. I mean, she's been my roommate for like, two months! That means she's survived ten surprise makeover attacks! That girl is braver than a supermodel who risks eating dessert twice a week!

ATTENTION NEW STUDENTS!

Are you feeling lost? Lonely? Clueless? Never fear, your very own beautiful guardian angel is nearby to help you along! That's right, "Matching by Mattie" is teaming up with the Welcoming Committee to cope with the large influx of new applicants to the school. If you simply enter your name, address, gender, age, favorite food, dream date, clothing style, and astrological sign into the "Matching by Mattie" data base, you'll be eligible to purchase the items necessary to comprehend this psychotic psychool! Not to mention, you get to meet the most beloved and respected senior here! Please, no pushing, you'll all get a chance to meet me!

Among our various and like totally vital equipment is the self-updating map. It will keep up with the constantly changing structure of the school, alerting you to the discovery of brand new rooms and disaster areas to avoid! We also have the WHAT THE HECKâ„¢ pocket identifier. The WHAT THE HECKâ„¢ is extremely helpful. By hacking into the school's database, we have access to every sentient being's basic info! So when you're walking through the halls and see... for example, um... a cat sitting on an egg, the WHAT THE HECKâ„¢ will instantly identify the cat as @Nobody's highly intelligent cat Claude and the egg as -- nevermind. We have lots of other helpful supplies, tips, and merchandise you can check out and purchase at classroom 375. Stop by anytime to meet the most fabulous girl on campus and finally figure out what in the world is going on! You (probably) won't regret it! [Pricings listed below, entering self into the "Matching by Mattie" database required before any purchases are made.]

Basic Supplies: Just a map and a WHAT THE HECKâ„¢, $9.99

The Full Package: All our cool equipment, a "I <3 Matching by Mattie shirt, and a totally amazing waiver to sign, $14.98

Mattie's Swag Bag: All the equipment plus some "Matching by Mattie" merchandise and an autographed photo of ME, Mattie Darling!, $23.56

(Do not be alarmed if after entering yourself into the "Matching by Mattie" data base you start having the sudden urge to ask someone on a date. It's completely "normal" and Mattie Darling is probably maybe not sending you subliminal messages.)

The sun is setting, and the stars are coming out... but the biggest star is right here in Psyhigh! Huh? What? NO! I don't mean the super nova generator in the south wing of the school! I mean ME! ...Golly, you'd think people would appreciate how magnificent I am by now. That almost brings my ego down a notch! Maybe I need to invest more in marketing....

The weather was a little cloudy out, but my wonderful weather influencing boyfriend Kent assured me that it wouldn't rain out our Customer Growing Club. (Thanks babe! Love ya! *blows a kiss*) It was so nice to finally get back into the swing of mini universe manipulation with my obsessed fans! Thanks to everyone who swung by the freaky willow tree this afternoon!

Before I sign off, close "Matching by Mattie" for the night, and crawl into bed, I think I will grace you all with a glimpse into my boundless knowledge on love. That's right, it's time for a LOVE TIP!

LOVE TIP #84432:

If you've met a nice guy/girl/other and the relationship is going really well, you may want to invite them into your dorm room for the usual hijinks. A nice steak dinner... watching Mamma Mia three times in a row... giving him/her/other a makeover... testing out new Lovesick Soda flavors on them... as I said, the usual stuff. But before you consider hanging out together inside your personal space, be sure your personal space doesn't freak them out. Make sure the place is clean. Cast out any lingering demonic forces. Unleash all the French perfume you can handle without passing out. Wrangle any pets into acceptably fashionable outfits. Surprise makeover your roommate. But always keep in mind; if there's something just too weird in your dorm room, shift the date to somewhere else. Like a cat sitting on a multi-colored leather egg and playing board games. Even at Psyhigh, you need to know when to shield your significant other from the weirdness of your life.

With love,

-Mattie

Greetings Psyhigh peers old and new! Mattie Darling is back, both in mentality and in business!

I am so totally sorry about that Fortuna possessing me. It, like, totally threw off my entire life! However, both "Matching by Mattie" and Customer Growing Club will be returning to their original states before Tuesday. Shout out to @Omai Gott, the best Vice President EV-UH, for keeping the CGC going! And apologies to everone I temporarily brainwashed into a worker drone! Tots not intentional, my powers of subliminal messaging are a blessing and a curse... but mostly a blessing.

The weather is returning back to normal THANK GOODNESS, and I can finally reapply my three-hours worth of make-up without fear of it melting. And as we all know, appearances are everything. Your personality counts for, like, nothing if you don't have perfectly applied make-up. (oooo... that sounds like a good LOVE TIP....) If the lawn is no longer on fire from the unbearable heat and @Pineapple Head's firework show, I will for sure be out there for the Customer Growing Club. I hope you'll all join me there, we are, like, totally ready to start putting life forms in our scale model pocket universes! And to any potential new members: the pocket universes we are manipulating come in teal, cobalt, maroon, sugar pink, and psychedelic. A color to match ANY outfit!

My "Matching by Mattie" classroom is, like, totally wrecked from Great-Aunt Fortuna's hissy fits, so we won't be open today as we fix up and clean up. And by "we" I mean Ava and @*Atlantica*. I mean, I've been through a totally traumatic event! I'm much much much too fragile to do such manual and dirty labor! Besides, Atlantica enjoys it. *sound of Atlantica yelling and giggling* Sure, go ahead and mop the floor again. You go girl! Cleaning is your true calling!

When "Matching by Mattie" does re-open, please feel free to stop by classroom 375 from any time between 3:30 - 5:30 pm for our "HOORAY I AM NO LONGER POSSESSED!" sale! 75% off all LOVE TIPS, relationship consultations, subliminal messages sent to your crush, "Lovesick Soda", all of my critically acclaimed books, and all other "Matching by Mattie" merchandise! Remember, if you need help in the love department, or if your relationship needs urgent treatment, come to Dr. Mattie Darling for the most professional insight in all 94 medical fields of love on this side of the prime meridian! We're the only match-making business on campus, so that means we're the best! *Ava makes a sarcastic comment* OMG, seriously Ava, you are like, the only person unimpressed by me. Don't you have a mentally scarring closet to throw out? Seriously, stop slacking you lazy butt! There's work to be done! Stop distracting me, I'm trying to supervise while eating Atlantica's celebratory pastries. Multi-tasking is, like, sooooo hard.

With love,

-Mattie

This is a message for my special agent only. If you are not my special agent, all you will see is gibberish. Beginning message....

<Morris darling! Good work taking the strategist @Pacifica out of the picture! I knew you'd be helpful. Now, all you need to do is bring me my beloved daughter (preferably unharmed, but mistakes do happen) and I will honor my end of the deal. I know you have your doubts about my honesty, but don't you realize how similar we are? Both of us have tragic pasts. Betrayal by those we love. Episodes if mental instability. I see a bit of you in me. And I want to help. You still have hope Morris. You do not have to end up like me.

Eralonia has some of my power stored in her. Once we are reunited, my reality bending powers will be at maximum capacity. I can loop time around you from the week before your death, crisscross some dimensions, and do some other little parlor tricks to make you 75% alive again. It's not perfect, but it's better than death. Just finish the job Morris. Your friends will understand. And Scilph will be so happy to be able to hug her strong, rugged, and solid boyfriend. Don't fail me Morris, dear.>

Alright, that's all I have for my helpless victims today. My project is halfway finished, I cannot wait for you all to see it! I do hope you'll be impressed. I've worked so very hard on it all. If you would excuse me, I suddenly have a strange urge to play Explosive Scrabble. It sounds like a grand old time. Maybe I'll even get some spiked punch… that might help my headache. The stress of taking over a school and fulfilling my insane revenge wishes has me feeling like there's another person in this numbskull Mattie's brain! But that couldn't be. Such an idea... Why, if it were true I'd be bouncing off the @Walls with anger!