Greetings and salutations to the gorgeous and suave girls and sirs of Psyhigh!

As always, this is Ms. Mattie Darling speaking... er typing? ...Whatever! The important thing is that I am here, you're favorite peer and inevitably next year's prom queen! I'm sure all of you were at that wonderful party last night. If you weren't, follow me on Tweeter and you'll find all sorts of live twits from the event, along with photos, embaressing pictures, videos of breakdancing robo-girls, and spontaneous LOVE TIPS! It'll be like you were actually there! Follow me! Subscribe! Like me! Friend me! Poke me! Don't be shy, be a fan!!!!

I don't know if I'll be able to have regular uploads this week, I picked up a LOT of new customers at that party. I haven't been able to exercise my subliminal messaging powers this much since the Ms. Kalla project! Not that I'm complaining. My merchandise is also selling really well, though I don't understand how it's "so dumb it's cool". You people are, like, totally weird. But there's been such an increased intrest in my books, that I'm starting a new one! I'm a writing machine, hm? Well, when you have this many ideas it's all too easy to toss them into book format and sell them to the public! Once I finish editing "100 and 1 Ways to Deal With Rejection, Lovesickness, Infatuation, and Annoying Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Others", I'm going to begin my book on "How to be a Good Boyfriend (No, It Isn't Easy!)". I think SOMEBODY needs to read Chapter 1, how to not be awkward and embarassed around your girlfriend/boyfriend/other.... *cough cough @Morris*

Oh, another customer has walked in! And she says she wants me to experiment with dying her hair! *@*Atlantica* confusedly talks in the background* No, no, of course you do! It'll be fun... like, um, bestie bonding or something. *happy squealing* That's the spirit!

With love,

-Mattie

It's a totally wonderful day out! The sky is blue, but if you are too then you came too the right place! I'll get you as sunny as the summer sun in a SNAP!

But of course all of my long-time and constantly awed fans already know that I am the bringer of happiness and bliss! Who can feel sad when they're in looooove? *friend is heard in the background talking to Mattie* Um, like, that's not how it goes Ava. YOU might sometimes feel sad because of love, but I never do! And we all know that I am a perfect example for all things ever. *Ava talks again* So WHAT if I have 47 ex-boyfriends -- well, now 48 (Sorry Hank! It's over! It's not me, it's you) -- ? OMG Ava, if you're not going to be helpful, wait outside until I'm done posting. You heard me, there's only enough room for ONE love expert in this classroom! *door shutting* Sorry about that, my beloved readers. Ava and I made up, but she still doesn't always approve of my methods of spreading love and joy throughout Psyhigh. I guess I'm just tragically misunderstood... maybe I'll go goth like in that alternate reality my friends found....

Speaking of which:
LOVE TIP #892221

Some students have a sudden and strange inclination to dye their hair. I totally hated it personally, but, like, to each their own. I guess. Anyways, if you are planning on dying your hair, make sure you don't do it dumbly. *Ava heard talking from outside classroom* YES DUMBLY IS A WORD AVA! Back on topic, hair dying done incorrectly will get you even less dates than before you dyed it. For example, if you dye your hair green, be careful you don't come out looking like somebody dumped a salad on your head. Also beware that sugary pink color, as many people are very allergic to that specific shade. Blue is a mysterious and delicate color, but your whole head turned blue may look odd depending on the shade and your face. I suggest that before you rashly dye your head, do a few test runs of the color. Just a little bit of the dye on either a roommate's sleeping head or convincing an older sister with subliminal messages can really help you to understand the dye's behavior better. And if it looks horrid, than luckily for you it's not your head! {Warning, unwilling test subjects may fight back}

That's it for today guys. If you have more questions about hair dye, love, Lovesick Soda, or FANTASTIC books, stop by classroom 375. If you have questions about Customer Growing Club, I will refer you to our club's Vice President @Omai Gott. If you want to ask me on a date, I'm flattered. Pick me up at 7, k? We'll catch a movie. Wear something cute that matches my dress.

With love,

-Mattie

(P.S. @Pacifica, great news! Atlantica told me that you were still a bit sad about the Ice Cream Incident, so I've been scouring the school grounds and found a totally cute single guy!!! I've been sending him some subliminal messages about you ((aren't psychic powers great?)) and you'll probably be seeing him soon. Go get 'em girl! I'll be having a cappuccino with the girls if you need advice.)

Whoa... hey Psyhigh... *rubs eyes* What's going on?

I've woken up in, like, this weird classroom. It's got, like, charts of the past lives of Napoleon Bonaparte and Brittany Spears. Apparently at one point Napoleon was a rather unruly goat in Northern China, and Brittnay used to be a surly one eyed sailor with a heart of stone. Totally freaky, omg! Even weirder, both of them have past lives where they attended Psyhigh. Ugh, like, these charts make my brain hurt. I'm so leaving.

I think I need to tweak the Lovesick Soda recipe some more. I've got the equivalent of a hang over going on in my head right now. Like, bad news, I'm also completely lost. *sigh* maybe I can get @Walls to lead me home. I need to get ready for another Customer Growing Club meeting at 2. (All the cool kids are there, come and join us in the creation of brand new miniscule universes!)

@Pacifica, I'm sooo sorry to hear about your rejection! I know you're already a devoted reader of my book series, so you'll be, like, estatic to hear that I'm making a new book! It's called "100 and 1 Ways to Deal With Rejection, Lovesickness, Infatuation, and Annoying Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Others"! I'll give a rough draft of it to your totally fabulous sister when I see her. You'll love it, I promise! In fact, if any other student wants this rough draft, stop by classroom 375 or my dorm room! The book will be... um... 10$ a pop, and I will even throw in a free six pack of Lovesick Soda! Your choice of either the original "hardcore" or the newer and less intense (and still in development) "savory" flavor. Act fast! This EXCLUSIVE offer will end soon!

LOVE TIP #4577

Buy all the products from "Matching by Mattie", and you'll be almost as much of a live expert as Mattie Darling is! Almost!

(Ah! Like, omg, who made the sun so bright?!?! Doesn't the world know I'm sensitive to light right now? Why doesn't it ever adjust to my needs specifically? Ru-dah!)

With (sorta quesy) love,

-Mattie

Goooood morning Psyhigh!

Mattie here, your experienced and respected guide to that carnivorous jungle called Looooove! Yesterday was a bit busy, what with the club and the ice cream and the head trauma, but I won't let a little tiredness prevent me from providing my needy readers with LOVE TIPS! "But Mattie," I hear you ask as you stare at me in awe, "how do you have enough energy to go on?" Well thanks to my new product, Lovesick Soda, I have enough energy to stay up half as long as @*Atlantica* can!

Lovesick soda is a combination of gourmet melted chocolate, various rare sprinkle blends, carbonated fresh spring water, and caffinated grade A cherry juice. It gives you the energy you need to chase down the man/woman/other of your dreams! Just ask this happy customer, @Nobody: "I guess it tastes alright -- wait, you used my sprinkles??? WHY?!?! Ah! Claude! Were is my emergency stash?!?!" See? Obvs another happy customer! You can be as frantically energetic as her, all you have to do is stop by classroom 375 and pick up your FREE SAMPLE. After the free sample, a case of six bottles costs 5$. Please, only two packs per person! I know these taste delicious, but we must have enough for everyone!

This post is a bit long already, so I'll delay today's LOVE TIP until a later time. Maybe I'll interview my pleased customers @Scilph and @Morris and get a LOVE TIP from them... or maybe Atlantica and I will interrogate @Pacifica about her love life.... Either way, if it's produced by the people at "Matching by Mattie", you know it's quality!

With love,

-Mattie

The first meeting of Customer Growing Club was a success! Good work everybody! By our third meeting, we'll be ready to develop life forms in our little universes!

I am aware that SOME PEOPLE got lost, showed up late, and insulted Prof. Fakanami. Really guys? Like, ru-dah! I put up posters and arrows and hearts EVERYWHERE! And everybody knows Prof. Fakanami is a dustball. Seriously, should I have like, walked you guys there? Ugh.

Sorry to give you guys tough love (one of the various forms of love I'm a licensed expert in), I'm just a little stressed. Making universes takes, like, effort. And is apparently dangerous if done incorrectly. I've been in the infirmary for a bit now, and while everyone's concern about my whereabouts is very heart warming, I am very disappointed in the lack of flowers and Get Well Soon balloons I've recieved. You just can't find good fans these days. This is why I'm growing them, obviously.

I'll be down at the picnic soon, if you all haven't scattered by now. Seeing how this day has gone, I wouldn't be surprised. *dramatic sigh* But I will persevere! I will push on! I will grill Morris for facts on his love life! I will autograph Pacifica's book! I will make Walls uncomfortable! I will anger that annoying little cat who's name eludes me! I will team up with Atlantica and aggravate you all! In other words...

I WILL BE MATTIE! *dramatic pose, followed by dramatic hair flip*

With love,

-Mattie

Customer Growing Club Potential Members:

Today will be our first meeting! OMG, it'll be so much fun! Be sure to stop by the freaky looking willow tree (you know the one) and experiment with creating the target audience you've dreamed about! If you're, like, totally confused about what I'm talking about, this club is going to focus on the ideas outlined in an article by of my new favorite authority figure, Dean Hammer. You can read it here: https://medium.com/@psyhigh/the-key-to-creating-lifelong-clients-grow-them-yourself-af7bedf737cf

So excited to meet some more of my fans face-to-face, and possibly create some with my offical Calabash Pocket Universe! For now there is no entrance fee for joining the club. (That might change if there are eager hoards trying to join in order to meet me, as I predict will happen) Equipment will be provided for FREE by the wonderful Prof. Fakanami, who has been forced -- er, I mean "convinced" -- to be our club's adult sponser. Apparently, like, every club needs one. I know, it's like totally lame, but he's more into science than students so Fakanami will probs just ignore us most the time. Don't worry my fantabulous readers! I won't let anybody cramp our style!

To re-cap; first meeting today. No entrance fee. No equipment required. Bring a friend. Bring a photo of me if you want it autographed. We start at around 2. Everybody is welcome to join (omitting my 47 ex-boyfriends). Wear something cute, but washable. See you all there!

With love,

-Mattie

Well, look who's returned in one peice! That's right my fantastic and fawning fans, my friends and I have made it back from Forever Diner in one piece!

That Fortuna woman was totally off her rocker! Like, OMG, she gave me the creeps big time. And her outfit was enough to make me commit fashion suicide! Like, gag me with a spoon! The weirdest part was, like, how familiar she seemed. And I'm not crazy, @Pacifica noticed it too. Something about her eyes is just... uncanny.

The important thing though is, I AM ALIVE! *releases confetti and plays recorded applause soundtrack* Oh, and my friends are okay too. That's important-ish. Btw, kudos to @slug master and @Walls. Good job taking care of my BFF Atlantica, roomie Nobody, acquaintance Scilph, and that totally annoying cat Eralonia. Stop by "Matching by Mattie headquarters and I'll give you 1 free love expert consultation each!

I'm sure all of my gorgeous customers have been going nuts without me here to guide them. Unfortunately, "Matching by Mattie" will be closed until Wednesday. Today we're closed for @*Atlantica*'s party, and tomorrow we're closed for the first meeting of Customer Growing Club. But if you have a love emergency, I'll be, like, totally happy to give you some advice. It's 5$ a question though guys, I'm not running a charity here! LOL! Now I know some of you are skeptical of my expertise in the areas of love, but just look at my latest romance victory. Scilph and Morris are, like, TOTALLY an item now! (Took you two long enough!)

Oh, and @Morris's cat... you said I would learn something at the end of all this. And... you were right.... I learned something new about myself.....

I'm so fabulous that I'm mentioned in prophecies AND a target for kidnapping by crazy anti-Psyhigh ladies! Let me tell you, my self-esteem is throught the roof right now! Who would've guessed I was so great? I'll tell you who: ME!

Well, I can't wait to see you all at the Anti-EBIB Party! I'm going to dance with all you psychic boys, so be ready to be wowed! And Nobody, you better be ready too. I'm dragging you along girl, we've got some catching up to do! (And we need to talk about that cute Wally boy....)

With love,

-Mattie

This is another post by Mattie, brought to you by Matching by Mattie! A lackluster business for lackluster people!

Well @Morris's cat Eralonia, let's cut to the chase. I don't like you, you don't like me. However, you should be thanking me. Because I HAVE SAVED THE DAY! Yes, I have. And you can thank me all you want. No need to pile on the compliments though, I already know I'm amazing.

I got @Atlantica some sugar, and she's in my dorm now baking up a storm. This is, like, totally going to ruin my no-sugar-carbs-or-lactose diet, but for Psyhigh's sake I'll sacrifice my slim figure. And don't even bother lecturing me about the sprinkles, because I've already disposed of them. Yup, threw them right into a fire. @Nobody is going to, like, flip out when she reads this. Poor thing. Hopefully Nobody will get back to the room safely, the sprinkle related delusions have been making her, like, a little nuts. I'm afraid to leave Atlantica alone though. I tried explaining the whole prophecy deal to her. Not sure if she heard me though, she just kept baking and muttering under her breath. Judging by the taste of her sugar cookies, she's been crying a lot. Seriously, these cookies are so salty it is grody! Yuck! But, like, don't tell her that. Every time she has a breakdown something bad happens. Like, my TV is stuck on Spanish channels now. How am I supposed to watch my soap operas if I can't understand them??? OMG! Guess all I can do is write LOVE TIPS for my book....

LOVE TIP #834

Always tell your boyfriend/girlfriend/other where you are going. If you're going to get some milk from the store, or buy the latest comic book, or even spontaneously join clown school, be sure your loved one is in the know. Suddenly disappearing can, like, mess with people's heads. They'll start imaging all sorts of terrible things happened to you. Were you kidnapped? Are you cheating on them? Did the fashion police catch you wearing socks with sandals? Leaving a simple note like: "BRB, went to buy ten puppies" will save everybody a headache. Seriously guys, it's totally rude.

*Mattie spontaneously disappears*
*Atlantica drops her mixing bowl*
"No no no no no! Not again! Did I cause this? Did I do this? Not again! Wait... Wait... here's a napkin note.... 'Time's running out. Love, Fortuna (btw, best of luck to @Jackie Packerman and Ximena Voltaire)'.... STOP TAUNTING ME FORTUNA!!!!" *Atlantica breaks down crying*

Hello my wonderful fans, who I respect so much! (Ouch!)

Oh, don't mind my little cries of pain. Just some silly shocker @Pacifica put on me. It doesn't bother me in the least! (Ouch!) Supposedly it will give me a teeny little shock whenever I lie, but I'm always a good, honest, perfect example of flawless morals and therefore never lie. (Ouch!) Obviously, it's broken. (Ouch!)

I'm very worried about this "prophecy" thing that @Gretel dreamed up. It's dead-line is this Tuesday! That's way too soon! the first meeting of my customer-growing club! My fans will be soooo disappointed if I don't show! (Ouch!) Fine, fine, I guess a possible disaster is the bigger worry... but only if I'm in danger. (OUCH!) If I'm being HONEST with my fans -- you heard me shocker, leave me alone this time -- I have no idea how I would tie into this whole dilemma. Sure, I've seen with the other five students involved rarely. (Ouch!) Fine, I talk to them sometimes. (OUCH!) FINE! I INTERACT WITH THEM A LOT. IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH YOU STUPID MACHINE? (....) My deepest apoligies readers, I didn't mean to get so out of hand. As I was saying, the only real way I'm connected to this is my profession. My subliminal messaging powers are not as powerful as the powers of @Scilph or the twins, but with my job as THE expert in all areas in love (Ouch!) I work with a lot of hearts. And Gretel mentioned a broken heart. I do break a LOT of hearts as the most desirable girl on campus.... (Ouch!) Hey! That one is, like, totally true! Ugh. So what, I'm supposed to not work for a whole three days??? That will kill me! (Ouch!) And just as Morris's drama was getting interesting.... (sad face)

I'd ask @Nobody to take this shocker thing off me, but she's currently huddled in a corner due to lack of, like, sprinkles. If I go near her she starts yelling frantically for me to help her access her "secret emergency emergency stress sprinkles". Claude, my best friend in the whole world (Ouch!), seems rather unamused by her behavior. Not to mention, all this stress is, like, totally going to give her acne. Ew. It doesn't help our anxiety that all sorts of bad luck seems to happening in this hallway of dorms today. Did somebody, like, walk under a ladder or something? Like, seriously!

Wait... has anybody seen Atlantica or Pacifica today? *Claude, who was on the window sill, unluckily loses his balance and falls to the ground* OMG... uh... I'm sure everything is, like, totally fine! (Ouch!) Byeeeeee for nowwwww!

This is a dark day for "Matching by Mattie", my loyal fans.

I'm sure you all have read the outrageous slander flung at poor, innocent, angelic me. How anybody could find fault with me is... inconceivable! Oh, how I hope my wonderful, compassionate fans won't abandon me in this time of mud-slinging! I knew that being fabulous, famous, and fabulous would lead to problems... but I never expected this!

Recently I had an animal visitor, the cat who claims to be omniscient named Eralonia. Despite my efforts to be a kind and humble host, all she had to say about my organization was that, "The dorm smelled like chocolates and cheap perfume."

@Morris, would you be so kind to inform your cat that the humble room Nobody and I call home does NOT smell of CHEAP perfume? No, it smells of "obsessionnelle ventilateur fille". It is a high-quality, expensive, and exclusive perfume made for me by the amazing scent-scientist François Célèbre. He was inspired by me to make it, and even named it after me, and promised me unlimited supply of the stuff if I promised to leave his girlfriend alone. I never got around to translating the label, but I'm sure it means something like "devoted and beautiful girl". I only use the best quality decorating and ambiance creating within my property... for my costumers and myself. Please Morris, train your cat to better appreciate high quality things. I'm not some elderly lady spraying stale lavender air freshener into a rancid nursing home. Like, OMG.

The second blasphemous claim came from the hands of my own beloved roommate. My ally, a poor child that I opened my home to in their time of need. It was so heart-breaking to read this scandal... oh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it! Listen to what @Nobody said about me: "Actually, she doesn't like [my cat Claude] in general. I think he scares her."

I AM NOT AFRAID OF CATS! No, no, no! I looooove animals! They're so cute and nice and love you unconditionally (unlike my ex-boyfriend, Ollie. That demanding little twerp). While it's true I may be... easily startled by cats and I have had a rather... unfortunate experience with them, that does not mean that I dislike or fear felines! Do you know what that would do to my image if people believed I hate animals??? I'd be ruined! Here, I'll prove that I love love love cats. Come here Claude! You little ball of joy and adorableness.... *takes a step toward Claude* *Claude looks at Mattie* AH! HE WANTS TO EAT MY SOUL!!!!! *Runs into hallway*

Um... we were playing. That was a game. Like, yeah. We play games like "pretend Mattie is completely terrified of cats" alllllllll the time. We're just, like, totally having a blast all the time....

Sorry about the long post everybody. I just felt that these heartless and foundationless insults to my name had to be properly and promptly addressed. I'm so perfect, how anybody could find fault with me is hard to believe. I'm just so kind and caring all the time! *Sound of Nobody scoffing in background* Whatever Nobody, haven't you done enough? Just let poor, victimized me find some solace in my fans! *dramatic sigh* If there's a love emergency, go to @Pacifica and @*Atlantica*'s dorm room. I'll be hanging out there for a while. Hopefully my "bestie" Atlantica will be able to cheer me up after this utter tragedy. Good thing I have all my beautiful fans here to help me weather through this storm. Maybe I'll pass out some autographs tomorrow as thank yous for your support. I know the world treasures my signature, it'll be so expensive to buy on E-Bay later! *sound of Nobody laughing again* OMG Nobody, you're so mean today! hey, don't you disappear when I'm talking to y-- And now Nobody is gone. Grrr....

With love,

-Mattie