Good afternoon my peers, fans, and admirers! Mattie (that's me!) is here to give you a super important love tip! Like, seriously. This stuff is VITAL. So get ready for expert love advice from the expert of love!!!

LOVE TIP #87:

If you're going to playfully nudge your crush or significant other, make sure you push lighty. Also, don't nudge them near stairwells open windows, or pits of fire/vipers/flaming vipers.

That's all for today gogeous patrons of Psyhigh! If you want more tips, they are 99¢ a pop! I'm happy to give advise to all you poor socially akward souls... sometimes for free! Stop by my lunch table tomarrow for more information.

*corny jingle plays* "If you're lonely or if your scared to speak, Matches by Mattie will win you a kiss on the cheeck!" *kiss sound effect*

With love,

-Mattie

Another bright and shining day at Psyhigh, another chance to make people fall in L-O-V-A! Lova is like Love, but a lot warmer and with stronger emotions. CAUTION: Lova is for experienced romantics only! Only $7.99, order today at 1815-222-LOVA.

Yesterday we got some interesting questions from my teeming mass of curious fans. Don't worry, I keep people's identities secret online! First, NOT@time pilot terry, I'd be happy to find you a match! It takes a bit longer, as I specialize in influencing minds not reading minds, but if you give me a few days of digging I ensure some degree of success! People have a tendancy to suddenly feel compelled to tell me their secrets.... >;) Oh, and don't you dare send me your time team uniform of the future. EVER. I do NOT need to see a jock strap. Honestly, somebody buy this child a pair of jeans!!! ...The hat is cute though. Keep the hat.

Now, onto today's second person of intrest: NOT@Morris. You want to know how to tell when you love somebody? Oh honey, I've heard all about your little love triangle! Or is it a rectangle now...? Anyways, people always say how love makes you feel "happy" or "complete". HA! As if! NOT-Morris, if you love somebody you'll feel like you have the flu. Your hands will shake. Your breathing will be ragged. Your face will blush and be warm to the touch. You'll feel self-conscious, akward, and inadequate. Being around that girl/boy/other will make you feel like a wreck, but you'll go running back to them anyways! I hope that clears things up for you my little ghosty friend. Isn't love beautiful?!?!?!

That's all for today lonely students of Psyhigh! Remember, if you want that crush to become a significant other; CALL MATTIE! If you want to break up with that significant other withing five days; CALL MATTIE! We're having a two for the price of one special!

With love,

-Mattie

Well hello lonely students of Psyhigh! That's right, it is ME! The only person that matters at this old dusty school... what? No! Ew! I am NOT that person! Gosh! No, it's MEEEEE, Mattie Darling! Match maker professional, at your service. With my amazing powers of subconscious persuasion, I can make that special girl or boy or other (hey, I don't judge) love you in the blink of an eye! After many requests by my many fans to move my business from in person to online, I have finally complied. That's how much I love my fans. Now, I will still take in-person, paper airplane, and dream invasion requests, but this will be the new and most preferred method. Actually, I won't accept dream invasion requests anymore. Those are creepy guys, you don't need to see the things I dream about. Unless it's a love emergency, but that's a whole nother topic.... So, that's all! Send in a target's name, your name, and $10.50 and watch your dream girl or boy or other become infatuated with you! Subconscious persuasion is the future people!!!!

With love,

Mattie <3